The Secret Rewards of Dysfunction in Marriage & other Relationships

Why do so many couples stay stuck in the same painful patterns—even when they say they want change? In this episode of The Voyage Cast, Ed unpacks the hidden force called secondary gain: the subtle rewards we get from staying in dysfunction.

From avoiding conflict by scrolling on your phone, to blaming your partner so you never have to look in the mirror, to clinging to comfort, finances, or social image—the payoffs of pain are real. And they’re often what keep marriages circling the same arguments for years.

Drawing on real therapy work, cultural examples like Succession’s Shiv and Tom, and insights from the docuseries Couples Therapy, Ed shows why repair stalls until these “hidden benefits” are named. Because you can’t heal what you’re still profiting from.

Whether you’re married, dating, or reflecting on past relationships, this conversation will challenge you to see the subtle ways you might be protecting pain instead of pursuing intimacy.

👉 The Voyage Cast—offering help beyond the office, for the days when life demands more than a session.

Transcript

Why Marriages Stay Stuck: The Hidden Payoffs of Pain

This is The Voyage Cast—offering help beyond the office, for the days when life demands more than a session.

I’m Ed, your host.

You ever notice how we’ll risk an entire marriage for the dumbest little comforts?

Like—“Yeah, I’ll destroy my connection with my spouse for the sweet reward of scrolling on my phone instead of having an adult conversation.”

Or, “Sure, my marriage is falling apart, but at least I’ve still got the Wi-Fi password and health insurance.”

Humans are basically the only species that would rather keep arguing about the thermostat for 15 years than admit they’re scared of intimacy… and because change is uncomfortable and hard, and relationships shouldn’t be hard in any way that is uncomfortable.

That’s what therapists call a secondary gain—the hidden payoff you get for staying stuck. Every time you avoid, blame, or martyr yourself, you get a little reward… while your marriage quietly bleeds out.

Why couples stay stuck

Most couples swear they want things to change. And I believe them. They mean it. But then the work stalls. They circle the same arguments. They avoid the same conversations. They make the same promises.

Why? Because somewhere, the dysfunction is paying them.

That’s what makes secondary gains so destructive. They trick us into thinking we’re protecting ourselves, when really we’re protecting the very patterns that are killing intimacy.

Avoidance feels safe, but it’s not

Take avoidance. Nobody wakes up planning to ruin their marriage with a phone screen. But every time I check out to keep the peace, I’m choosing short-term relief over long-term repair.

Avoidance feels like peacekeeping. But it’s not. It’s conflict with a delay button. And like interest on a credit card, the balance always goes up.

If you’ve ever seen Couples Therapy on Showtime, you know what I’m talking about. Dr. Orna points it out again and again: a spouse avoids the fight to “keep the peace,” but what really happens is the pressure just builds until it explodes later. The secondary gain is comfort now, but the cost is multiplied conflict tomorrow.

Blame: duct tape for the ego

Then there’s blame.

Blame is duct tape for the ego. As long as I can say, “my spouse is the problem,” I don’t have to look in the mirror. That feels safer, but it guarantees the same fights keep playing on repeat.

It’s cheaper than therapy, and you get to feel morally superior. The only downside? You lose intimacy.

The perks of misery

And sometimes the payoff is practical.

You get to keep the house.

You get to keep the health insurance.

You get to keep the social image of being married—even if you’re miserable.

You get to keep the kids under one roof—even if the roof feels like a Cold War bunker.

Think about Succession. Shiv and Tom’s marriage is basically an icebox. But they both keep the arrangement because it pays—status, access, power, reputation. That’s secondary gain in action: better to stay stuck and miserable with perks than risk honesty and lose the platform.

Most of us don’t have billion-dollar companies at stake, but we make the same trades—security over truth, image over intimacy.

The power of suffering

And then there’s the emotional payoff: the power of suffering.

If I’m the victim, I can shut down without guilt.

If I’m the martyr, I get the moral high ground.

If I’m the caretaker, I get control without looking controlling.

Pain itself becomes a currency. And the more I spend it, the more it controls the relationship.

When pain proves the story

And maybe the deepest secondary gain is this: pain validates my old story.

Most of us carry one.

“I’m unlovable.”

“People always leave.”

“You can’t trust men.”

“You can’t trust women.”

And here’s the twisted part—when the marriage mirrors those wounds back to me, it feels like proof. See? I was right all along.

It’s miserable, but it’s familiar. And familiar feels safer than risking a new story.

Why change stalls

This is why therapy can feel like running in circles. Couples learn tools, practice communication, make plans… but if one or both partners is still cashing checks from the dysfunction, nothing sticks.

You can’t heal what you’re still profiting from.

Secondary gains make pain feel safer than repair.

The real question

So maybe the better question isn’t, “How do we fix this marriage?”

Maybe it’s: “What tiny comfort am I protecting, even if it costs me the relationship?”

Is it the relief of avoidance?

The ego boost of blame?

The stability of finances?

The safety of martyrdom?

The validation of old wounds?

Whatever it is—until you name it, you can’t change it.

And yes, letting go feels terrifying. It feels like losing safety, losing control, losing the story you’ve carried for years.

But the truth is, you’ve already been losing something: intimacy, trust, and the future you hoped for when you said “I do.”

The question isn’t whether you’ll lose something. The question is: will you keep losing the marriage for the sake of scraps of comfort?

Closing

So here’s the challenge: sit down and name it. What’s the payoff you’re clinging to?

Write it down. Say it out loud. Tell your spouse if you’re brave enough.

Because the moment you name it, you take away some of its power.

And then you get to choose: will I keep cashing in on these tiny rewards—or will I risk the discomfort of real repair?

That’s where change begins. Not when your spouse finally changes, but when you stop profiting from your own brokenness.

If you want to explore this more, I wrote a full article on the Voyage Cast blog. And as always, thanks for listening. If this episode hit home, share it with someone who needs it. It might just be the nudge they need to stop protecting pain and start moving toward healing.”