Why Being ‘Right’ is Killing Your Marriage

In this episode of The Voyage Cast, host and therapist Eddie Eccker explores how the need to be “right” in your relationship might be quietly sabotaging your connection. If you’ve ever walked away from an argument feeling victorious but emotionally distant, this one’s for you. Eddie unpacks how our obsession with being right often stems from deeper fears—like being misunderstood, blamed, or unseen—and how those fears can lead us to build walls instead of bridges. You’ll learn what happens in the brain during conflict, why logic alone doesn’t restore closeness, and how simple shifts like curiosity, vulnerability, and ownership can bring real healing. Whether you’re married, dating, or just want to communicate better, this episode is a practical, heartfelt invitation to choose connection over control—and to risk being real instead of just being right.

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Transcript

Why Being Right Is Killing Your Marriage  

Welcome to The Voyage Cast. I’m Eddie, your host, therapist, and fellow navigator on the messy, heartbreaking, beautiful highway of human relationships. Today’s topic? One that hits close to home for so many of us. It’s personal for me, it might be personal for you, and it’s absolutely crucial for anyone trying to build a loving, lasting connection.  

The need to be “right.”  

Why does it feel so good in the moment but leave us feeling so disconnected later? Why does it sometimes feel like you're winning at an argument but losing at love? And how do we shift from needing to be right to needing to be real?  

Whether you’re married, dating, or simply invested in having better relationships, buckle up. We’re getting painfully honest today.  

Segment 1 The Hidden Cost of Being Right  

You know the feeling. The argument is heating up. They say something that lands wrong, and you lock onto it. You start gathering your evidence, pulling up the facts in your mind. Maybe it’s how they’ve done this before. Maybe it’s the exact words they used last week, last month, last year.  

And at the moment, getting your point across feels powerful. Like control. Like clarity. Like justice.  

But here’s the paradox of being right in a relationship. The more obsessed we are with being right, the more disconnected we become.  

Research even backs this up. Decades of study by relationship expert Dr. John Gottman shows us that conflict itself isn’t the problem in most relationships. It’s how we handle it. And one of the most dangerous patterns is what he calls “defensiveness.” That instinct to focus on self-protection over connection.  

Here’s the real takeaway, friends. You can win an argument and still lose the relationship.  

The truth is, our relationships aren’t governed by logic. They’re governed by connection. And when we choose to turn conflict into a battlefield to win, we lose sight of that very connection.  

Segment 2 What Drives the Need to Be Right  

Okay, so here’s where we get personal. Why do we need to be right? If you’re listening, maybe you’re nodding your head right now thinking, “Yeah, Eddie, why can’t they admit I’m right for once?”  

But here’s what I’ve learned—not just as a therapist, but as a human who messes this up regularly.  

Underneath that desperate urge to be right isn’t confidence. It’s fear.  

Fear that being wrong makes us unworthy. Fear that if we’re wrong, maybe they’ll look down on us. Fear that being misunderstood makes us invisible.  

And for many of us, that fear connects back to early wounds. Maybe as kids, we learned that being “right” was how we earned praise or avoided punishment. Maybe we learned that being wrong wasn’t safe because it came with shame, not growth.  

If we’re not careful, we carry those old wounds into our partnerships. We stop seeing our spouse or partner as someone we love and start seeing them as someone we’re quietly defending ourselves against.  

Can you feel how exhausting that is? That’s why this matters.  

Segment 3 The Neuroscience of Arguing and Connection  

I want to zoom out here and talk about what happens in our brains when we argue. Because some of this isn’t your fault; it’s biology.  

When we feel criticized or attacked, our brain’s threat response system kicks in. That’s the amygdala firing up. It’s the primal part of the brain designed to protect us from danger. Fight, flight, freeze. You’ve probably heard those terms before.  

But here’s the kicker. When your brain thinks you’re under attack, it shuts down the parts that help you reason, empathize, and connect. That’s why arguments escalate so fast. It’s like your brain tricks you into believing that being right is the only way to “win” and stay safe.  

The problem? Staying stuck in that state of defensiveness wrecks your ability to really see and hear your partner.  

Segment 4 Shifting from Right to Real  

Here’s where the rubber meets the road. Being “right” might soothe your ego, but it starves your connection. What if we shifted the goal? What if instead of trying to win, we tried to understand?  

It sounds simple. It’s not.  

But there are tools that can help. Gottman’s research shows the profound impact of something called “repair attempts.” These are small, even clumsy moves that say, “I care about this relationship more than I care about the argument.” That could be a joke in the middle of tension. It could be saying, “You know what? I’m not angry; I’m just hurt, and I’m not sure how to say it.”  

And if you don’t know where to start? Start with curiosity. Try this next time you’re in a conflict. Instead of “You always…,” try “Can you help me understand why that felt so big to you?”  

Or say, “I want to hear your side, even if I might not agree yet.” Those small shifts can transform the whole tone.  

Segment 5 Building Compassionate Communication  

You know what takes real courage in a relationship? Owning your impact, not just your intent. Saying, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I see that I did.”  

Here’s the thing. Love isn’t about never messing up. It’s about being willing to repair when you do. And that’s where so many couples get stuck. They keep waiting for the other person to take the first step.  

But in love, someone’s got to go first. Why shouldn’t it be you?  

Segment 6 Call to Ownership  

I get it. This is hard. If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent years building walls of logic when things felt unsafe. But those walls don’t protect you. They isolate you.  

Today’s invitation is simple, friends. Put down the need to be right long enough to pick up the conversation. Remember that you’re not opponents. You’re partners. And partnership isn’t about perfection. It’s about connection.    

If today’s episode hit home for you, I want to encourage you to take one small step. Whether that’s shifting your mindset during conflict, reflecting on your own need to be right, or even just offering your partner an unexpected moment of empathy.  

Thanks for tuning into The Voyage Cast. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. And if you’re ready to go deeper into these tools, be sure to check out the resources linked in today’s show notes.  

Until next time, don’t forget. The goal isn’t winning. It’s becoming. One small step at a time.