The Four Loves: You Need To Know This

We throw the word “love” around a lot—but not all love is created equal. In this episode of The Voyage Cast, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Eddie Eccker walks through The Four Loves as outlined by C.S. Lewis: affection, friendship, eros, and charity. With both depth and practical insight, this episode explores how each love shows up in our lives—and what happens when we confuse them. Whether you’re trying to understand your marriage, navigate a friendship, or make sense of a relational disconnect, this conversation offers clarity, challenge, and a framework that could change how you love for good.

Get the Book: CS Lewis “The Four Loves” 

Transcript

Love is a many-splendored thing, and few have captured its complexity as eloquently as C.S. Lewis in his timeless work, "The Four Loves." Lewis dives deep into the Greek concepts of love to help us understand the different dimensions of affection that shape our relationships. Through my clinical work, I have observed that many people lack a clear understanding of what love truly means. The primary purpose of this article is not to fully discuss love, as I'm not sure that's entirely possible, but to emphasize the concept of the four types of love and provide, at the very least, a solid foundation for love in any relationship. While this exploration only scratches the surface, it offers a starting point for understanding love.

Love can be perplexing, with its various forms and manifestations often intertwining and overlapping. In "The Four Loves," C.S. Lewis breaks down love into four distinct categories—Storge, Philia, Eros, and Agape—each representing a unique aspect of human affection. Understanding these four loves can provide foundational insights into our relationships and potentially enrich our lives.

The Four Loves

1. Storge (Affection)

Storge is the love that naturally develops between family members, spouses, and sometimes community members like neighbors. It is comfortable, familiar, and often taken for granted because it grows slowly and steadily over time. This form of love is inherently tolerant, as it thrives on acceptance and understanding of imperfections. Storge is the type of love that develops despite frustrations and even allows the frustrations to become something that we associate with the loved one, therefore allowing those idiosyncrasies to become endearing. I believe this type of love is most easily seen when you have children.

• Major Characteristics:
• Based on familiarity and dependency
• Often unconditional and enduring
• Develops naturally over time

2. Philia (Friendship)

Philia is the love between friends, a deep bond built on mutual respect, shared interests, and companionship. Unlike the bonds we are born into with family, this type of love is chosen and nurtured, often requiring effort and commitment from both parties to sustain and deepen over time. It is essential not only in friendships but also in marriage, where this love helps to create a desirably sustainable relationship. Philia thrives on shared experiences and understanding, providing a support system that is both reliable and emotionally fulfilling. Translating to "friendship" or "brotherly love," Philia is the root of the name Philadelphia, known as the "City of Brotherly Love." This kind of love is crucial to human happiness and well-being, offering a sense of belonging and a network of support that can help navigate life's challenges and enhance the resilience of marital bonds.

• Major Characteristics:
• Founded on mutual respect and shared values
• Requires effort to maintain
• Often seen as the least necessary for survival but the most rewarding type of love

3. Eros (Romantic Love)

Eros is the passionate and often intense love associated with romance, desire, and sex. This type of love is not just about physical attraction; it also involves a profound emotional connection between partners. Eros can be characterized by a longing to bond deeply, where individuals feel a strong urge to share their lives and experiences. This love often leads to heightened emotions and can inspire creativity, fostering a sense of fulfillment and joy within the relationship. It's a vital element that not only enriches romantic partnerships but also adds depth and intensity to the bond shared between two people. Note: this type of love can be fleeting and should not be the primary reason for marriage.

• Major Characteristics:
• Involves deep emotional and physical intimacy
• It can be all-consuming and exhilarating
• Often the focus of romantic relationships and marriages

4. Agape (Unconditional Love)

Agape is the highest form of love, characterized by selflessness, sacrifice, and a profound desire for the well-being of others. This love transcends personal gain, focusing entirely on the needs and happiness of those around us. It is unconditional and sacrificial, often seen as the divine love of God for humanity or the ideal love we aspire to have for our fellow humans. Agape is not limited by circumstances or relationships; it is a love that remains constant and unwavering, regardless of challenges or adversity. Agape is a love that transcends all other forms, focusing on the welfare and happiness of others above oneself.

• Characteristics:
• Unconditional and self-sacrificial
• Often linked to compassion and altruism
• Considered the purest or highest form of love

Storge Sustains

While other forms of love often come first, each with its distinct qualities and significance, Storge—the love rooted in affection and familiarity—plays a crucial role in sustaining them. Storge introduces adaptability and tolerance into relationships, helping us navigate inherent imperfections. I believe that the enduring and comforting nature of Storge serves as the soil where more intense loves can take root and be sustained. This allows us to endure challenges (irritations, relational stupidity, failure, etc.) while continuing to love, which is essential for any love to last.

In the realm of Eros, the passionate and romantic love, Storge offers security and acceptance, tempering intense desire with a calming presence. This creates a space of understanding and tenderness, enabling romantic partners to be vulnerable and authentic, thus deepening their connection.

In Philia, the love between friends, Storge fortifies the bonds of camaraderie. It is this affectionate underpinning that makes friendships resilient, allowing individuals to weather disagreements and differences with grace. Storge instills a sense of belonging among friends, fostering an environment where loyalty and shared experiences are cherished, thus amplifying the joy and strength of companionship.

When it comes to Agape, the selfless and unconditional love, Storge quietly supports its aspirations. The familiar warmth of affection reminds us of the uncomplicated joys of loving beyond ourselves. It nurtures a spirit of acceptance and empathy, essential ingredients for the altruistic nature of Agape. Through Storge, individuals learn the value of giving without expecting reciprocation, reinforcing the selflessness that defines Agape.

In essence, Storge, with its gentle persistence and unassuming presence, lays the groundwork for the flourishing of the other loves by accommodating our human flaws and inconsistencies. As we falter in the emotional richness of Eros, the steadfast loyalty of Philia, and the boundless generosity of Agape, Storge serves as the steady heartbeat that sustains these loves. This foundational affection helps us navigate our imperfections, ensuring that each love can thrive in its fullest expression despite our inherent inconsistencies. After counseling and considering these ideas for many years, it has become apparent to me that Storge, with its quiet, enduring presence, forms the bedrock upon which the other loves can endure. Remember, Storge is earned through time, dedicated effort, and hardship.

To truly deepen your understanding of love in your relationships, consider how the four loves—Storge, Eros, Philia, and Agape—interact and support each other. While grand gestures and passionate declarations hold their place, it's the every day, even mundane, acts of affection and familiarity that truly sustain lasting bonds. For an even better exposition of these loves check out CS Lewis’s book “The Four Loves”.