Marriage Advice You Should Ignore

Not all marriage advice is helpful—some of it can actually make things worse. In this episode of The Voyage Cast, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Eddie Eccker unpacks some of the most common misconceptions about what makes a relationship thrive. From unrealistic expectations to oversimplified clichés, Eddie shares what couples really need when the road gets rough: presence, communication, and mutual support. Whether you’re navigating a tough season or simply looking to strengthen your connection, this episode offers honest insight and practical tools to help you grow together, not apart.

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Transcript

Marriage is often romanticized as a fairy tale—a perfect union where everything falls into place once you find "the one." However, the reality is that every relationship faces challenges. This article will delve into some of the most damaging marriage advice circulating today while providing insights into how embracing reality can lead to healthier relationships. Many couples enter marriage with high hopes and expectations, influenced by movies, books, and well-meaning friends, believing that the right partner guarantees a smooth journey together. Yet, the complexities of real-life relationships require a more nuanced understanding. So, read on as we debunk common misconceptions and offer practical guidance for navigating the ups and downs of married life.

Debunking the Myth: "Marriage Should Be Easy"

MARRIAGE IS NEVER EASY

When you first get married, it's easy to think that love will conquer all. Many couples receive advice suggesting that if you're truly in love, everything will be easy. Unfortunately, this sets unrealistic expectations. When reality doesn't match up, it can lead to disappointment and conflict.

Initial Expectations vs. Reality

You might have heard that "love is all you need." While love is undoubtedly essential, and The Beetles know how to make a banger, it’s not a magic solution to every problem. Relationships require effort, understanding, and compromise. Initial expectations that marriage will be effortless can cloud your judgment and make normal challenges seem insurmountable.

Impact of Unrealistic Expectations

Believing that marriage should be easy can create unnecessary pressure. When problems arise, couples might feel as though they have failed. This can lead to frustration, resentment, and even questioning the relationship itself. Understanding that difficulties are a normal part of marriage helps set the stage for healthier problem-solving.

Facing the Challenges

Every marriage faces challenges, whether it's financial stress, differing priorities, opinions, values, or external pressures like work and family. These struggles are not a sign of a failing marriage but rather normal, and an opportunity to grow and strengthen your bonds. Keep in mind, that both parties must have this perspective for challenges to be converted into opportunities.

Common Struggles in Marriage

From managing finances to balancing careers and family life, marriage brings a host of challenges. Communication breakdowns, unmet expectations, and external stressors can all take their toll. Recognizing these struggles as part of the marital landscape can take away some of the stigma and help couples focus on solutions. In other words, to find solutions, you must first recognize that struggles are normal and have been occurring throughout all recorded human history.

Real-life Examples

Consider this made-up example based on true events: Anna and Mike faced financial difficulties early in their marriage. They felt overwhelmed and unsure about how to move forward. However, by working together to create a budget and openly discussing their concerns, fears, and insecurities, they were able to confront the challenge head-on. This example, though brief, illustrates that when facing struggles together, not as enemies, you can not only solve the problems but also strengthen your relationship.

Normalizing Difficulties

It's crucial to understand that all couples face challenges. These difficulties are not a sign of weakness but an inevitable part of any long-term relationship, especially if you are human. By normalizing these experiences, couples can approach problems with a healthier mindset, focusing on growth rather than blame. The blame game never works and usually hurts both parties.

Hold on even when times are hard

The Importance of Communication

Open communication is the foundation of any successful marriage. Without it, misunderstandings and resentment can build up, making conflicts harder to resolve. Learning how to communicate effectively is essential for navigating tough times.

Navigating Tough Times

When faced with difficult situations, open and honest communication can make all the difference. Creating a safe space where both partners feel heard and understood is key. This involves not just talking but also active listening and empathy.

Strategies for Effective Communication

• Set Aside Time: Make regular time to talk about your feelings and concerns without distractions.
• Be Honest: Share your thoughts and emotions openly but kindly.
• Listen Actively: Focus on understanding your partner's perspective, not just waiting for your turn to speak. The age-old childhood lesson of taking turns comes to mind here.
• Use "I" Statements: Express your feelings without blaming your partner. For example, "I feel upset when..." instead of "You always..."
• Managing Your Reactions: Difficulties can trigger strong emotions, but it's essential to manage these reactions and communicate calmly and respectfully.

Discussing Difficult Feelings

It's essential to address difficult feelings as they arise rather than letting them fester. This can be uncomfortable, but it's a crucial step in maintaining a healthy relationship. Encourage each other to share openly and respond with empathy and support.

Embracing Imperfection

No one is perfect, and expecting perfection from yourself or your partner sets the stage for disappointment. Learning to accept and forgive imperfections can significantly improve your relationship.

The Reality of Imperfection

Both partners will make mistakes. Whether it's forgetting an anniversary or saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment, these lapses are part of being human. Understanding and accepting this reality helps you approach problems with compassion rather than criticism.

The Role of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is vital in any marriage. Holding onto grudges only creates distance and resentment. By practicing forgiveness, you allow room for growth and healing. This doesn’t mean ignoring issues but rather addressing them with a mindset of understanding and resolution.

Building Understanding

Building a deep understanding of each other's imperfections can bring you closer. Recognize that your partner's faults are part of what makes them who they are, just as your imperfections are part of you. This mutual acceptance fosters a more loving and supportive environment.

Strengthening the Bond Through Struggles

Facing challenges together can actually fortify your relationship. By supporting each other during tough times, you build a stronger, more resilient bond.

The Value of Shared Struggles

Shared struggles can be a source of strength in a marriage. When couples face difficulties together, they learn to rely on each other and build trust. This shared experience creates a sense of partnership and solidarity.

Supportive Couple

Supporting Each Other

Supporting each other during tough times is crucial. This involves being there for your partner emotionally and practically. Small gestures of support can make a big difference, whether it's offering a listening ear or taking on extra responsibilities when your partner is stressed.

Specific Practices for Support

• Check-in Regularly: Ask your partner how they are doing and seriously listen to their response.
• Show Appreciation: Acknowledge and appreciate your partner's efforts and contributions.
• Be Present: Offer your full attention and support during difficult moments.

Conclusion

Marriage is a voyage full of ups and downs. It’s important to recognize that challenges are a normal part of any relationship and that facing them together can strengthen your bond. By communicating openly, forgiving imperfections, and supporting each other, you can build a resilient and fulfilling marriage. Remember, every couple's experience is unique, and it's okay to have hard moments.