Shane's Journey: Overcoming Abuse, Death, Violence, Embracing Faith, and Healing Through Connection

In this moving episode of The Voyage Cast, we delve into the life of Shane, a Denver security company owner whose personal history is marked by domestic violence, loss, family, faith, and military service. Shane's story is one of turning tragedy into triumph, as he channels his past into a mission to protect others. We discuss the influence of his grandmother's remarkable legacy, despite her decline into dementia, and the complexity of family relationships. Shane's steadfast faith guides him through his wife's terminal illness and into a new family dynamic with Heather and her children. Through candid conversations and personal reflections, we explore how Shane's unyielding faith, therapy, and the power of community have been instrumental in his journey of healing and redemption.

Please Note that this episode is fairly intense at times and should have parental guidance if children are listening.

For more about Shane's private security company click here. 

Transcript

00:00 - Speaker 1 (Host)
Yeah, thanks, eddie, I appreciate it. So my name is Shane. I'm the owner of a security company here in Denver, colorado, the. 

00:08
The story that led me into being a protector is kind of a Long, complicated one, and it began when I was five years old, when I stepped between a gun on my mom. I grew up with very abusive parents and an alcoholic father and and a mother that I wouldn't learn till later was kind of the person that was poking the beast. She wasn't innocent in the situation, and when I was eight years old, my mom abandoned us to go live With a man that she was already having a relationship with while married to my dad, and that left us to an alcoholic father that I had to go toe-to-toe with from the time I was eight to the time I was 11 years old, and my dad was a highly trained individual, both in military combat it is multiple forms of martial arts, law enforcement training and so it wasn't. It wasn't just dealing with an alcoholic dad. It was dealing with a man that really knew how to do things and I, 11 years old. Our house was set on fire by a druggy. 

00:58
They threw a Molotov cocktail through one of my gosh one of the windows and my mom ended up getting custody of us. And While that started off pretty good, it didn't last long. From the age 11 to 14, my stepdad became an abuser. He thought it was best to continue abusing a child that was already abused, to break that child of his anger towards his father. And Then that went on until I was 14, a 260 pound man, and they abandoned. They abandoned us at that point because everything came to light sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect. 

01:36
You know, if I didn't cook, I didn't eat, if we didn't grow shop, there wasn't food in the house, if I didn't take myself to school. From the time I was nine years old to the you know the rest of my life, I didn't go to school. My dad got custody back of us. The judge would not allow me to be emancipated, had emancipation paperwork signed when I was 14 years old, all my assistant principal, my principal, my school counselor, all my teachers. I Wrote a small essay on how I could support myself at 14 years old and had a whole plan and and a house and the budget and everything and had a job. And the judge told me to stop being a stupid kid and go back home. I Told the judge that wouldn't last even two years and by the time I was 16 years old, I left, I walked out and I never looked back. 

02:21 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Such an overwhelming story how the system let you down. 

02:25 - Speaker 1 (Host)
Yeah, I mean I was probably pulled out of my house more times than I can count. I'm 32 years old and I've moved 41 times in my life. You know it's. Yeah, my grandma became foster certified and and every time they pull us out of our house they just stick us with a grandma and then one week, two weeks later he met every. You know they would meet whatever requirements the system required in the meet and they would ship us right back to the same abusive household. My dad was such a bad drunk growing up he would drink my quill to get drunk While I was trying to hide how many siblings. 

02:59 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Do you have Shane um? Do you have? 

03:03 - Speaker 1 (Host)
my dad and mom had three together. My sister passed away in 2014? Her being a girl, she got at first, if you understand what I mean, and my dad was too drunk to realize it was his best friend. And my mom was an enabler to the grooming that happened with my stepdad and that really ruined my my sister. She self-medicated herself to death. She used prescription drugs, drugs and alcohol all and it killed her when she was just after her 24th birthday. And Then I have a brother that is 11 months younger than me, so my sister is 15 months older. I have a brother that's 11 months younger than me. He's a great young man. He's an assistant police chief down in a little itty-bitty town in Oklahoma. I'm very proud of him. He's expecting his third kid and he's got a great little family and he's an awesome, an awesome man. I really am very proud of him. And then my dad was remarried. 

04:01
He decided to start a relationship with somebody in AA, don't do that and they got pregnant before they were married and they ended up getting married and they have three kids and Then, shortly after the third one was born in 2009, by by August of 2009, they split up and that woman abandoned those three kids and Went back to drugs and alcohol. So I now have a son 32. I have a soon-to-be 19 year old little sister my oldest little sister. I have a 16 year old younger brother my youngest brother and I have a 14 year old Young, younger and youngest sister. I'm not gosh. I love them, I know them, they. 

04:48
They lived with me at one point for seven months when my dad was Using our situation to get out of Southern California. He stayed with us and Then he moved on because it wasn't working, it was toxic, it was abusive and he wouldn't get a job. So we supported them. They haven't been on my life much since, but I do talk to them, I text them and stuff. They're doing pretty good. They're in Oklahoma where my brother lives. My dad and my mom both moved in it up moving Oklahoma. My mom passed away this year. She was 50 and my dad's 60. 

05:25 - Speaker 2 (Host)
Wow, your mom was young, yeah. 

05:28 - Speaker 1 (Host)
How'd mom pass they just said natural causes. We assume heart attack or stroke or something, but they just said natural causes. She wasn't in great health. She had a really rough life. She came from abuse way worse than mine. She was sold for drugs and alcohol from the time she was five years old. So she repeated a cycle. Oh my gosh, I'm not mad at my mom. I'm not mad at my dad. I understand that both of them had a very rough life. My dad came from a very destructive life as well, very abusive father. My mom had an abusive mom and an abusive mother. She was sold for drugs in the most horrific ways you can ever imagine and and they were forced to do things and it was filmed amongst her brothers and sisters like she grew up in a very gross, very, very horrific life and she couldn't break that cycle and she repeated it on her kids. And my dad couldn't break that cycle and he repeated it on his kids. Cycles tend to repeat unless we learn how to break them. 

06:28 - Speaker 2 (Host)
Yeah, that's a miracle that you've apparently broken them. You know, uh, eddie. 

06:37 - Speaker 1 (Host)
Is you and I've talked a few times about some of my stories on my wife passing away, how we met, some of the other things through my life. Um, I will tell you, the only reason I am the man I am is because of a faith in God. Um, I didn't have that sharp breaking moment in my life that you hear a lot of people talk about. I was going down a dark path and you know I was I was gonna die or I was gonna die. I was I was gonna die or I was gonna end up dead if I didn't change it. And and God turned my life around. That's not my life. My life is a hand in hand walk with Jesus, my whole life. I can tell you From the time I was five. I I can tell you how he guided and kept us safe, kept my brother and sister safe, kept me safe. 

07:15 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Um, I remember horrific fights between my mom and dad and how did you first get introduced to faith, Because I mean such a traumatic environment and to be five years old. 

07:28 - Speaker 1 (Host)
My family was Christian-ish growing up. My grandma, my dad's dad, the most important woman other than my wife and my life to this point in my life I'm not a poet, Sorry she had an extremely strong faith in God. That woman, my dad's dad, was abusive. He beat her into multiple abortions, essentially Beat her. Beat the kids was not good to them and that woman left. She left him in a time where women don't leave men. My grandma would have been 83 this year, I think it is. 

08:08
She passed away at the beginning of this year too, and she left him and she became the first house mother in my hometown to take any views about her women. She volunteered for Habitat for Humanity. She became the first when she was helping women leave their situation. My grandma was like five foot nothing and she would walk up to me and say I'm taking this woman and you're not going to do anything about it. I watched this little woman do that to my dad growing up I am taking the kids and you're going to let me. She would take us out of the situations at times and she volunteered for Habitat for Humanity, and this is the grandma. 

08:49
Go ahead. 

08:51 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Was this the grandma that did the foster care? So every time that you guys would be displaced, you were with her. Oh, it's infuriating that they didn't let you just stay with her. 

08:59 - Speaker 1 (Host)
Like keep going. Yeah, I mean, this is going to sound horrible. 

09:02
But, when I was five years old I had to go to foster home. There was a warrant out for my dad to rest. I remember everything that night. I remember what we were eating for supper. I remember the color of the carpet. I remember the table we were sitting at. I remember the walls. I remember the conversations. 

09:16
I'm 32, so almost 30 years ago and my mom wanted to lie about my dad being in the house. To cliche thing. Right, he's not here. My dad told her not to. She chose to and they took them both away and we both went to Jamison Center in Biggersfield, california. And then my brother and I went to one foster home and my sister went to another foster home. And it was that way for a couple months, I think. And then my grandma got certified. We had family in that town that we lived in, but none of them would come and take us before the cops did. The cops called them, they would talk into them. They were trying to get family to take us so they didn't have to put us in the system. But everyone in that town said no. They drove from their house to my grandma's house to beat on my grandma's door to try to wake her up in the middle of the night. My grandma had insomnia, so she actually slept that night and they couldn't wake her up. 

10:06
Even with her door open and her security screen door locked shut, they couldn't wake my grandma up that night. So these people that claim to be family, at least by blood, they let us go into the system. And so it took my grandma more time to get certified, because at that point, once we were in the system, you have to get certified to get out. And so she became a certified foster parent to get us out and we lived with her for a year. It was my first grade year Started first grade late and we lived with her that year. 

10:33
But, yes, the same woman, she was my dad's mom, strong faith. She volunteered at the Seventh Day Abdomenous Church in my hometown, helping cook the Wednesday hot lunches for the kids. She did a lot of other acts of faith and she helped home mentally disabled people. She helped with Habitat for Humanity. She took us to church. She talked to us about God. She talked about God Every summer growing up. From the time I was probably eight years old to the time I was 11 years old, she put us in every summer Bible camp for the day and week throughout the whole summer. So I was probably going to four Bible camps a day, growing up as a kid and that was my grandma. 

11:14
She was really a pillar of faith in my life and one of the strongest people I've ever met. She was really a great woman. 

11:22 - Speaker 3 (Host)
She taught me how to. She's just the beacon of light. Yeah, she taught me everything In this world of darkness and chaos. 

11:27 - Speaker 1 (Host)
Yeah, and then she did it for the three younger kids until she passed away this year. 

11:34 - Speaker 2 (Host)
That's amazing. Yeah, so she was still working with these other kids into her 80s. 

11:40 - Speaker 1 (Host)
Yes and no. My dad ever watches this. He's not going to be happy at me saying the truth, but really my dad used her to survive In the later part of her life. Connor's 10 years old Eddie, and my grandma came and stayed with us for about six months when Connor was before Connor was born and when Connor was born, and she got to be in the delivery room when my son was born and it was amazing and the signs of dementia, alzheimer's, had reared their head. 

12:11
And my grandma was seeing things from the past and putting them on the current Thinking. I was someone else, thinking other people, but it was very, very little at that time and I tried to explain to my dad he needed to get her help and if he got her help she could have a long and healthy life. At this stage we're really advanced for dementia and Alzheimer's Treatment and he says he tried to get her help. Ultimately, somehow it never happened. And in the later part of her life she wasn't there. She had to go into, she had to go to a nursing home because she was having some major issues and they were forcing some medications on her that weren't doing well. It was making her sicker, but at the same time they were giving her the physical care she also needed. That my dad wouldn't or couldn't do, but he pulled her back out I assume because he needed her retirement money and only a couple weeks later she developed a clot in her leg and he didn't catch it. 

13:12 - Speaker 2 (Host)
OK. 

13:13 - Speaker 1 (Host)
And her leg went narcotic. And earlier this year it was January I made a trip from here to Oklahoma City and back. In 36 hours he left her alone in the hospital and died. Because he said there was nothing he could do for her anymore and so he just went home and she died alone in the hospital. On my way there I was praying, I was trying to talk to him and telling him to go and be with her, sit with her, and he literally yelled at me saying I don't understand, there's nothing he can do anymore, he's just waiting for her to die. 

13:43
And, as you know, we sort this off. I'm a widow and I looked. I was like dad, don't talk to me like I'm a man that didn't hold my wife's hand when her heart stopped. I said I was there. I said I was there when she had cancer, when we were teenagers. I helped her get diagnosed and I was there and I was there. In the last four and a half years it's now been we're coming up on two years since she died. Christmas day It'll be two years, so that would be six and a half years now Four and a half years. 

14:09
She was sick. I said dad, I held her hand when her heart stopped. I was there for everything. He goes. So you understand I did everything. I was like, so go sit with your mom. 

14:17
She can't hear you. She's here. She can't hear you. She's not going to be able to respond, but go sit with your mom and he let her die alone. I prayed on my way there. I said God, don't hold her on till I get there. I said everything to my grandma I've ever needed to say. She knows how much I love her. She knows how much I care about her. She loves you, jesus. Bring her home. She wants to meet you. She wanted to wait until you came back to the earth. That's not going to happen. Don't let her wait for me to get there. And, lord, please don't let her survive this. The only way to survive it would be amputation. She wasn't strong enough to even get into the OR room. She kept going in the cardiac arrest because the narcotic tissue was spread through her. I said, lord, if she gets through this, she's not going to be properly cared for by my dad, especially without a leg. Please bring her home, heal her in that way. Let her meet you, let her be with Keely and her mom and her dad and so many other people before her. Just bring her home. 

15:17
There was this dividing point where she was alive. I was thinking about going and getting my dad and making him go to the hospital, or if she, or if not, then I was going to go. So she was still alive, I was going to go to the hospital and make the last moments. If she had died, I was going to detour, get my dad and take him to the hospital. She was still alive at that turning point and I went to the hospital and 10 minutes before I got there I got a call that she died and I called my friend, mike that lived in Texas. 

15:44
He said hey, mike, I need you to show up in Oklahoma for me If my dad shows up. Mike knows he was my neighbor in Wyoming and he knows he knows how bad it can be. I said, mike, I need you to be there because if my dad gets physical, I need somebody to keep me safe. And so Mike showed up. My dad never did and Mike was on the phone with me when I told him he goes. Do you think your grandma held on until the no turn zone where you had to come to the hospital and you didn't go see your dad to keep you safe? I was like you know what? I could see my grandma having this conversation with Jesus going hey, hold on to these. Like 10 minutes out from the hospital I got to keep my grandson safe and this is the way to keep him safe because he'll come to the hospital first, and I was like, yeah, that would be grandma. 

16:34
I bet grandma planned that 100%, yeah, yeah. 

16:40 - Speaker 3 (Host)
You know you're a man that's been through so much trauma and that's such a I can't even describe it and I imagine it's really hard for you to see. You know you've identified that both your parents obviously went through their horrific trauma as well. But I imagine it's really hard to you've taken you're working so hard to break the transgenerational trauma and they're just generational trauma and to change it and then to still see that your parents were kind of stuck in their trauma. It's really hard to have to experience. 

17:13 - Speaker 1 (Host)
It is and there's times where it's harder than not. My dad's not in my life. I said goodbye to him earlier this year. I couldn't do it anymore. I just I couldn't. 

17:21
Eddie, I think I don't know if you've read some of my writings. I started a biography last year and multiple other writings I have made public and shared, and one of them was called forgiveness and healing, and I talked to people about how we have to forgive to heal and if we don't forgive, we can't heal. And this is something God helped me understand even when I was an adolescent. And so I forgive them. I love them. I really, really love my mom and my dad. 

17:46
I got the call that my mom died this year back in March. I prayed instantly. I had no feelings, literally zero. I don't care that my mom's dead, I just don't. I have. I've seen my mom three times since I was 14 years old. Only one of those three times said my mom come and see me. 

18:05
One time I was at my sister's funeral and she didn't really have a choice. The other time is when I got out of the Marine Corps. She wouldn't come in and see me before I went into the Marine Corps. She had to bring my car back to me. I was only 19. I was in and out in less than a year because of an injury and I can show you how God played that to get me where I am now. If that injury hadn't happened, connor and Levi wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have been there when my wife relapsed. But she got my car when I went into the Marine Corps because I had no one to take it. My wife's dad at the time would not let her have my car. He didn't. My relationship didn't heal until Keely died it's another story I've written about. But so she came and brought my car back. Wasn't really her choice. When my sister died, wasn't really her choice. And then, the one time she did come and see me and she helped me even I was on the road trucking. I had no money. I was going through my VA disability issues. I had a six month old kid and a two year old kid and we were crapping in a bucket. 

19:05
At the time I was staying in a trailer of fifth wheel not a fifth wheel, an RV in the middle of Wyoming in the winter time just to survive because the VA wouldn't release me to work. They kept saying they wouldn't release me to work. So I filed for security disability paperwork. They told Social Security, there's nothing preventing me from working. So I went in and talked to my provider. She goes. I said which one is it? Can I work or can I not work? Is there nothing preventing me or is there not? Because I've lost two jobs? Because you won't release me to work? And she goes I can't tell Social Security there's anything preventing you from working. I said so release me to work. And she goes I can't do that either. I said it's one or the other. And she goes I can't do it. I said fine, I'm going to start my own trucking company. I'm going to put myself back to work. She goes Mr Ameren, you can't do that. I said I want to see you make me have that conversation in the mirror in the morning. Mr Ameren, you can't work for me anymore. Oh no, sir, please don't do that. I'm literally doing this. In the medical provider and I said too bad If you're going to play games with me. 

20:02
I got to take care of my family, so I was trucking and I had zero money because everything was going back home and I happened to be very close to my mom. I wrote her and this is Mackin 15. I said hey, mom, I'm really close to you. I cannot get any closer to you. I'm at this truck stop. If you want to come and say hi, I'm here. And she actually did. I was really, really shocked, and not only did she. When she heard I didn't have money, she gave me $200. Her and my stepdad gave me $200. I offered to pay it back and they never took it. I would have to say that's the most motherly thing my mom has done for me, and since I was probably 11. 

20:38
I hadn't seen her since when my kids were born. She would not come and meet them. When my sister's kids were born, she flew out to meet them. When my brother's kids were born, which were after my kids, she was there within three months and they moved there within six months. She always had the option to meet my kids. 

20:55
But the I set up healthy boundaries. Part of breaking change is learning to set up boundaries. God sets boundaries right. God has boundaries on us all. He also forgives them us when we break them, and welcomes us back and tries to help us reset healthy boundaries. And the boundary was if you're going to meet my kids, you got to come to my house. You have to come to us. You have to come and meet us on our turf. We have to come and meet us in our safe area. You have to come to us. That way, if something happens, then we are in our own safe area and you go. And she refused to. She refused to because it was a boundary. I said If I had never set the boundary, she probably would have done what she did with my brother and sister, I don't know, but she never did To her dying day. She never came in my voice. That's wild, yeah, yeah. Essentially, my kids don't have any grandparents. 

21:50 - Speaker 2 (Host)
That's so heartbreaking. Yeah, so you said earlier that a lot of what? A lot of this trauma history, a lot of this abuse, a lot of the horrible things you know, five years old, witnessing a gun being pulled all this led you to become, as you, as you describe it a protector. But it's more than that. Like, you went into the Marines too, I mean, and you started up this company. I mean what? Let me just go back. What? What brought you to the Marines? First off? 

22:20 - Speaker 1 (Host)
there's a lot of things that brought me in a Marine Corps and you know I love the Corps. It's it's it's what I modeled my company after. But I need to understand like I didn't get to be in the Corps long, I was in and out in a year. They were shrinking our military. In the year I went in, my leg broke in the beginning of my enlistment and I was out in less than a year. 

22:36 - Speaker 3 (Host)
But the reason. 

22:37 - Speaker 1 (Host)
I want to become a Marine is. I never had a family. I don't know what it's like to have a mom or dad. My grandma was a mom, dad, grandma and grandpa to me, all in one person. She owed me power tools and hand tools and auto mechanics and ceramics and cleaning and cooking and baking and sewing and riding my bike and my scooter and my roller skis and my roller blades. Like my grandma was everything to me, but I I didn't have a family. Quite a woman. Yeah, she she is. I wish women today could learn from who she was, because she was a real woman. She was a great woman hero. Yeah, I wanted a family and I met some people when I was young Two really important people in my life at that point. They became known as my brother-in-law's, mike and Ryan, and Mike was a Navy guy and Ryan was a Marine is a Marine and they met us when my mom had us and we rooms together for quite a while. They ended up moving in together with us and my parents and stuff and in the beginning of meeting me when I was young, I had a temper and I didn't learn until I was in my twenties why a child that goes through the things I went through had a temper, and the reason is is a child's mind is not developed enough to understand that trauma and the only part of the child's brain that is developed enough to process that trauma is anger is fight or flight, and kids typically go one of two ways they either really regress and become a recluse in those situations or they become more standout and they fight it. 

24:04
I fought it. I don't know why, except by the grace of God that I chose to be a fighter and I had a very short temper growing up and that short temper was only ever at home. I never had a problem in public. I have no police record at all. I've never been in legal trouble. I've never had problems at school. I never had anything, it was only at home. I had a very short fuse, even with my brother and sister, until I was about 11 and then again at 14 when the brain developed and shifted and God showed me how to shift those things and what was going to happen and how to do it. 

24:37
But at 11, mike and Ryan, all they thought they saw was an angry, out of control child and one night my mom and stepdad had done something and I snapped back what essentially looks like an attitude. I don't remember what happened, but I fought back, and it was only verbally. This time it wasn't a physical thing, but Mike and Ryan. They lost their mom to cancer, so they're really sensitive to seeing a kid be disrespectful to a mom, right, and so they thought it was being an excuse my language, a disrespectful peckerhead and they took me into another room and they got really physical with me. They made me do push-ups and made me hold the push-up and at one point Mike said something to me and I doubled my fist up, not to hit him but just to control my own anger, and Mike picked me up by my throat and slammed me against the wall, telling me I am not going to be this kind of kid. He wasn't doing it to hurt me. He was doing it to try to break through to a kid and what he thought was a kid that had an anger issue and they really took me under my ring, and something I'd only ever seen from my grandma until this point is the next day. 

25:46
I thought these people would never talk to me again and they gave me a hug and they're hey, shane, come on over, come talk to us, help me wash my truck, and they showed nothing but love to me and Ryan, being a Marine, took me under his wing. I said I want to be a Marine and he started teaching me how to be a Marine at 11 years old how to run, how to do push-ups and I was already a physical kid. But, man, this guy pushed me and I was done martial arts since I was eight years old and whatnot. And Ryan showed me Marine Corps training and he was hard on me in martial arts because he was a trained martial artist as well and he taught me how to take a blow to the stomach and keep going and how to take it properly so I didn't drop. And he showed me how to do other things to defend myself and protect myself. And this is before they even knew of the abuse we were going under. 

26:30
And they showed me a lot of love and, as I got to know the Marine Corps, on our courage, commitment and integrity, on our courage and commitment, or the three founding principles of the Marine Corps. Integrity is another very important principle and I learned about the Marines being family Unlike any other branch, the close-knitness of the Marine Corps, and I was drawn in. I was like, wow, I'm going to have a family, I'm going to go into the Marine Corps and I'm going to have all these people and I'm going to have this camaraderie and I'm going to have these people that care about me and I'm going to have my back. And that's what drew me into the Marine Corps the principles I attached myself to, the principles of honor, courage, commitment, integrity, and I moved forward in those to help me break chains and cycles. And I chose I was going to be a Marine and that's why I went into Marine Corps to protect, to keep protecting. I know this is going to sound gruesome, but at 15, I learned. At 13 and 15, I learned that if I had to protect somebody and that meant the bad guy had the dye I was okay with it. 

27:37
At 13, the abuse almost broke me with my stepdad. He was, he would throw my brother across the room. He was sexually grooming my sister. He was looking at her while she was naked. My sister, when I was 13, was 14, almost 15. And he was making comments to her that were of the grooming nature. Now that you've had your first with this person, why don't you throw in another? And my mom and stepdad were into things. To put it cleanly, they were into multiple people and deviant behaviors, yeah, yeah. And so watching what he would do to my brother, I remember one time he backhanded my brother and my brother went across the room and I stepped up to fight him. And and another abuse thing can happen At the end of the day, I hurt my stepdad when I was 13 years old, defending myself from his abuse, and he goes. I can't go toe to toe with you anymore. She and you hurt me and he was 260 pounds any 260 pounds in this little 13 year old kid, that isn't even 120 pounds, picked him up. 

28:40
He had me in a guillotine headlock and I was on my knees and there was blood all over the garage floor from my nose and he and I was. I was whaling on him trying to get him to let me go and my neck popped and I was a trained martial artist even at 13. And I thought I was going to die. So I wrapped my arms around my stepdad from my knees and I picked this 260 pound man up from my knees off the ground and I slammed him against the cement. And later, when they were clean, when they were cleaning me up, my stepdad goes boy, you hurt me this time. 

29:13
And my mom started laughing. She started laughing goes honey, did you see that he done slammed your ass and I was like I'm sitting there in my head getting his blood off me in a tub water full of blood and I'm like why is this funny? I don't understand. And so there was another point where he was just being a jerk and I fashioned a razor blade to a stick and I said if he comes in my room, I'm slitting his throat. And I tested out the razor blade against my blinds and my blinds fell straight to the ground and the razor blade popped off and my stepdad walked in my room 100% believe to this day it was God that made that razor blade pop off, because if that razor blade hadn't a popped off, I would have drugged that across his throat. I Was done. I was sick of it. 

30:06 - Speaker 2 (Host)
Well, and you would have been? 

30:08 - Speaker 1 (Host)
Yeah, you would have been in prison or something at that point too most likely, but also with the stack of records, I probably still wouldn't have a normal life, but 13 year olds old and killing somebody because you're tired of being abused. God's grace, it didn't happen any, by God's grace alone, at 15. Yeah, it happened with my dad. It happened with my dad and he put his hand on me. Him and a friend were being stupid and being immature and those friends were Pending the wives and the kids against each other and I called my dad out. I said stop being a child. You're acting like a teenage boy here. You guys need to cut this crap out. And then it got heated and I said you know what I'm done. I won't be here in the morning when you wake up. And he's like what do you mean? I was like exactly that. I won't be here in the morning when you wake up. He goes what the hell do you mean? I said I know in the court paperwork it says if it doesn't work out with you, I can go live with grandma Gale. They never should have given you us back. I'm going to live with grandma Gale. And he grabbed me up by my collar of my shirt, grabs me and throws me back, I said, and I put my hand in his face, says you better never touch me again out of anger. You have no right to ever touch me. You beat me as a child. You do not get to touch me in that manner and I am leaving. If you ever touch me like that again, I will kill you. 

31:23
My baby sister was maybe two and he touched me. He grabbed me and we went to the ground and I grabbed my dad by the throat, by his trach, by his crotted, by his jugular, and I squeezed and I squeezed with all of my might and none of his military training, his law enforcement training, his law and his, his March large training could get me off him. He was bashing me into a table. We were on the ground and he was bashing me into the table, trying to get my grip to break, and he was gurgling and he was moments from dying. And, by the grace of God, my two-year-old baby sister walks through the garage door into the kitchen where my dad's getting ready to die. And all that went through my head is I do not want her last memory being her dad bleeding out on the kitchen floor and I let him go. I said don't touch me. I don't think I hugged my dad for months. I didn't let him touch me, I didn't. 

32:17
And and he looks at me, he goes are you happy to know that you could kill your dad? I said are you happy to know that you beat your child enough in his 15 years of life that your child had to defend himself and develop in such a way that he knew he could kill his dad if his dad ever abused him? Again Said are you proud of yourself? And he just went pale. We've talked about this since a few times in my life. He tries to rub in that, oh, you're proud that you know you could kill your dad. And I just look at him. So are you proud to know that you, you put your child in a position to have to defend him against this father? He did it again a couple years ago and I stayed calm with five, five kids around and I was just like I'm not doing this. So that's insane. 

33:03
So the reason I'm a protector, eddie, is because I'm good at it. The reason I'm a protector is because God took all of that abuse. He shaped my mind as I grew to understand it. Hey, when you get here, this is gonna change, but if you keep doing this, I'll, I'll take care of you. You're going to be alone in life, but I got you and if, if you do this and you stick to this while your family might not be there, I'm going to put people there for you and I'm going to take care of you. I'm a protector, because he took abuse and he transformed out into something beautiful. That's amazing. That's amazing. I'm not hateful, I'm not angry, I'm not violent. I can be. I can be very violent, I have the ability to be violent. But, man, the biggest part of me is love. I love and I have a lot of love in my heart. My kids You've met them, eddie. They reflect that love, even two years after their mom died. 

33:53 - Speaker 2 (Host)
Yeah, his kids are her awesome. 

33:56 - Speaker 1 (Host)
Thanks. When I'm dealing with bad guys in the street, I try to put it back to like hey, let's like talk, let's deal with this different. I've drawn my weapon a couple times in my life, one of them against a 16 year old murderer just a couple years ago, and by the grace of God he navigated everything to, everything was okay and that kid didn't die. Um man it's. I'm a protector because God can transform absolutely anything in the greatness. He promises us that if we have a strong faith in him and we put our faith in him, that he can transform anything in the greatness for those that believe in him. And I can tell you today, at 32 years old, going through extensive, horrific abuse, going through two cancer battles, with my wife hurt, dying Christmas Day two years ago, being alone with A nine and ten year old kid with no family support, and then today I'm at the precipice of proposing to a beautiful woman that is also A widow with three kids. They have experienced the same journey. I can tell you how he transforms everything into greatness. 

35:03 - Speaker 2 (Host)
That's amazing. 

35:08 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Yeah, that's just overwhelming to take all this pain in, and this is the pain that you've had to live with for so long, and I, um, you know you can continue. You continue to share about the grace of God and that that's what protected you. And you know, we've seen that, we've seen that, and well, what's interesting is, a lot of the times, people who have been abused to this level then become abusers. So it is, um, um, amazing, how, yeah, how, how, then you became a protector. I do have to ask you, though, because I'm certain some people are just going to be so overwhelmed even by how, how, how, then, did the anger never get Placed on to your faith? Because, to you know, you, you've, you've stayed so grounded, um, but all these bad things just continue to happen. So I also know a lot of believers sometimes go to this place of like anger towards God and like why did you allow this to happen? And screw you, and where were you during all of this? So can you share a little bit about that part of your journey? 

36:14 - Speaker 1 (Host)
Some of that I still question and I ask God all the time. Um, the lady I'm dating is a very strong faith. She lost her husband almost four years ago, in March, and um, she turned to faith, really strong as well. That's one thing I love so much about her. She never got to be angry or or blaming God about it, but she addressed it with such faith and beauty and um, I don't know why I ask God all the time. Why am I not angry? Why have you done this in my life? Why me? Why does this not work on other people? I don't have an answer, other than my faith has remained strong. 

36:54
There's been moments in my life I thought I turned my back on God, only for later God to show me that he was actually using that to grow my faith. There are key points in my life where I thought I was turning my faith back on God, where I learned when I got older and God could show me that, no shame, I was using this as a moment to show you how I'm going to use the word religion man made. I made expectations of God, how I was shedding those away from you and I was growing you and my heavenly faith in you and and what that needs to really be and what that really needs to look like. I don't know why I didn't turn my back on that. I don't know why I didn't become angry, other than, somehow he allowed me to see the truth. He allowed me and I chose to it's not just to heal, I was all of us to see the truth. I chose to, and Each step of that he showed me how he was using things and what I needed to do, and that just kept reinforcing my faith. I'll use one really recent example. I'll use two really recent examples, if we have the time one my wife died, I had people around me that I thought had stronger faith than I did, some of them best friends with my wife. And when keely relapsed in 2017? I Was praying one day and I said god, I want 80 years with my wife. 

38:21
I want the wrap around rock porch. My wife and I had a dream of a big house with a wrap around porch. We both like rocking chairs. So I was like I want the wrap around porch and I want the rocking chairs, and I want the cold iced tea and I want to look out in my front yard and I want to see my great-grandchildren, my grandchildren, playing in the front yard and I want to see the family looking backwards that we never had coming forwards. I said, but, lord, if, if my wife's going to suffer to get to that 80 years, please bring her home and heal her. That way. I said, lord, you've taken care of me my whole life, in every hardship. You've transformed it into a miracle. Everything in my life you have provided for me, without fault, without, without air, without anything. It's always been there. And I said and I know that if you have to bring her to heaven, I know that you're going to take care of my wife, my boys and me. I know that you will provide for my boys and me and I know we'll be okay because of you. So, lord, please don't let her suffer to get to 80 years. Bring her home and heal her. Four and a half years later she's an end of life. 

39:21
The cancer is from head to toe. It went, it was everywhere. I was watching my wife slowly die. She put on Almost 30, 40 pounds of weight. She went in. Organ failure, eyes, jaundice she had. 

39:34
The cancer Was in the skull, the orbital, the mandible. It had eaten away and obliterated five or more vertebrae In her spine from the neck on down. The right middle lobe was completely gone. It obliterated it. It was completely gone. She was three quarters titanium in the left femur. A little bit of femur was left. The cancer is back in. The remaining femur is back in her both hips and her pelvis, throughout all of her spine. It was in the gi tract, the pancreas, the adrenals, the Large intestine, the small intestine, the liver. It was everywhere. It was absolutely everywhere. 

40:12
And I prayed and I prayed and I prayed and I prayed and other people prayed and prayed and prayed, and prayed, and prayed and I prayed and every time I asked God to heal my wife, he goes. Do you remember that conversation? Do you remember what you asked? I said I do. He goes. I am going to bring her home. I said okay. I said I'm still selfishly going to ask that if you will heal her completely, whole on this earth and never let her be sick again, I'm asking for that. But I understand if you got to bring her home. And Four days before she died, our walk of faith. Another thing God helped me in. 

40:46
My wife struggled and she's christian. She believed in God. She believes in Jesus. She was a christian, but her faith was hard. She was one that turned anger towards God for two times with cancer, for abuse with her mom, for things that had happened. She did, but she still believed in God and Jesus and um, through our marriage, I had people look at me like You're the man, it's your job, you lead your family, you take them to church and God put in my heart. He's like I'll bring you the church when I'm ready for it, and he did. He did. We go to brave and I love brave. It's a great church. He told me that I'm going To help you lead your wife, but you will not be the direct instrument. You'll be the indirect instrument. So I understood that God was going to use me and other people to bring faith to my wife and that he did. I would talk with wonderful people like Um, my wife, two of my wife's best friends. Three of my wife's best friends was Kathy Bain, adria LaRoch and Aubrey Blankenship. And those three women, man, what a miracle they were for my wife and they helped her come into faith and I would talk to them about issues and then they would talk to my wife and In october of 21, my wife was in end of life and I called Adria and I said I want to talk to you About my family being baptized. 

42:08
I said I had a dream on how I want it to work. That dream's not going to happen. I want to talk to you. She goes wow, shane, I wanted to talk to you about this, but I didn't know how to talk to keely about this. I said well, here you go. She was wow, this is cool. So we we From october, end of october to the December 21st, we talked, and on december 21st we were all baptized together and my master bathroom myself, my eldest, then my youngest, and then we we picked my wife up and put her in the big, huge bathtub and baptized my wife. 

42:45
Four days later, my wife got home to meet Jesus, and so that was, you know, a moment where God showed me how this was going to work, what he was going to do and how he was going to work these things. And that night if you want to see how much faith that God puts in people Connor and Levi were seven and eight years old. Somebody came by my house this is a fairly toxic person and he looks at the boys and go. I'm so sorry that your mom died this Christmas night about 9.13 pm, 9.16, 9.13, and my boys have this habit of saying the same thing at the same time and they go it's okay. And this person yelled at my boys no, it's not. And I about punched them. And then all the grace, all the love of God came through my boys' mouth at the same time. They go why not? My mom is in heaven, my mom is fully healed and my mom is with God. All of that's okay. And they were only seven and eight. And that's just me trying to show you how we can't see how God's going to manipulate and use the things that happen. He needs things to happen to lead us to where he needs us and for whatever reason that happened. 

44:12
And I've written about the story of my wife's life and you asked about anger and I'm getting there, I promise. One of my wife's friends walked up to me and she goes you have to be angry at God about this. We prayed and prayed for Keeley to be healed and God didn't heal Keeley and I looked at that friend. I said how can you say that? God brought her home to heaven. She got healed in the biggest way possible. She'll never be sick again, ever. She's not going to relapse. There's not going to be a cancer time time three. There's not going to be living with without a portion of her long and missing vertebrae, like she's healed. She's healed whole and full and lacking nothing. 

44:53
And this person was shocked that that was my viewpoint and I was a little shocked that they were shocked. I mean, god will use all things for those that believe in him, and God did, and one of the stories I've written I call it. God heals in his way, not ours, and I try to walk people through understanding that when we pray for something, god's going to answer in his way, not ours. Sometimes that we're lucky, he answers in what we want, but not all the time. And this was one that he had the answer by bringing her home. Why I'm still learning some of that. I can tell you. 

45:30
The situation I'm in right now wouldn't be happening if my wife was still here. The family that I'm engaging with, heather, her family. They had already lost their dad Almost two years before Keely. We wouldn't be here now if Keely hadn't passed. Sure, and they're wonderful kids. I love them all. 

45:52
I really admire all three of those kids. They got a lot of strength and a lot of faith, and I've gotten to see them grow over the last eight months. I'm really proud of all of them, and so there's one thing. But also I've gotten to see how God has used our story and so many other lives to help them, like, how many lives are going to come closer to Jesus because we walked a hard path? How many lives got to learn of Jesus because Jesus walked this earth as a human and was crucified and hung and paid the price for us. God brings wonderful, wonderful miracles through absolutely horrific situations, and I feel blessed that he keeps doing that in my life. I don't know why. I don't think I deserve it, but I'm very blessed and that's why I'm not angry because he keeps showing me that he's going to use it for greatness. I just have to be patient and allow him the time that he needs to bring that into the time that's proper for me. 

46:58 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Shane, your story embodies faith. It truly is just a story of faith, because we can never see what's the bigger picture. We only see what's in front of us, and for decades, all you saw was pain, suffering, tragedy, loss, and it truly is. Well, it's interesting when God allows these tragic things to happen but then creates beauty out of it, because there's really no other explanation than faith in God and Jesus. Because you should be in jail? You should be either be dead. You should be in jail. You shouldn't have this family. 

47:39 - Speaker 1 (Host)
I should be an abuser. I should be on drugs and alcohol Right. You should be an abuser. 

47:43 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Yeah, and so it's fascinating because there's no other explanation. It's not all the therapy in the world, right, I've done therapy too. 

47:54 - Speaker 1 (Host)
You should be in jail, not with Eddie, well, good. 

47:57 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Good, well, good, but just, you know what I'm saying, because this is such a story and it's and it's, and I don't want to make you feel bad, but it's just that like it's tragic, like it is such a tragic story and there's no other explanation than, by the grace of God, that you are not an abuser, that you are not in jail, that you are not dead. 

48:16 - Speaker 2 (Host)
Yeah, you're walking, talking miracle, but why do you say it's tragic? 

48:21 - Speaker 3 (Host)
It's just that you went through so many tragic things, you went through so many hardships. 

48:26 - Speaker 1 (Host)
I want you to understand there's also been a lot of beauty in all of it. Connor was born, levi was born. I got 13 years with my wife. That was amazing. She's beautiful and magnificent woman. 

48:38
And then where I'm sitting right now, like you know, we didn't get into this portion, but God was working in my heart immediately that he wanted me to reengage with a woman and I did not like that he was. We were going to church at brave in October as a family for the first time and October 21. I don't pass your. Jeff will talk about how it's interesting to see how these people get messages from my sermons, but that wasn't my sermon. But that's the way God is speaking through the sermon to you to convict you. And in October, before Keeley, daddy's pastor Jeff is talking about widows in his sermon and how they need to be taken care of in the church and how they potentially need to remarry so that they can take care of their children properly. And God, immediately, I can hear him in my heart going I want you to reengage with a woman. When this happens and I'm like Whoa, like she's not even gone, why are you doing this? And that happened every week from October of 21. And it kept going, even after I switched churches for a while to do a Bible study somewhere. 14 weeks, the same message. 

49:52
A man came into my life that was a widow and in ministry works, and I was sharing this with him. And so, finally, one day I prayed, and this is so important for people here to really pay attention to. We pray for what we want. You need to understand that we don't much like a child does not know their needs. All of you are parents. I assume your children don't know their needs, do they? We are children of God, of Jesus, and we do not know our needs. We don't. And so I prayed. I said, lord, in my life You've always led me proper. Everything you've said and Done has been perfect. You told me what needs to happen. It's happened and you've shown me why. I said I Don't want to re-engage with a woman again. I want to be single to the end of my days and I just want to take care of my kids. I said but, lord, if this is truly your will speaking into my heart, I'm asking you to change my heart to your will. And that's what people need to understand that when we pray for things, what we most need to pray for is a changed heart, hmm, a heart that is in alignment with God and God's will and Jesus's plan. That's what we need to pray for. And he didn't skip a beat. He immediately introduced me to somebody that at least showed me how that capacity still within me. It wasn't a person that I would Long-term engage with. 

51:20
September of last year, right right after my 30th birthday, I went up into the mountains and I prayed for six days. I was supposed to go on a business trip. One of them was with this person that I had started having feelings with. The plan got called off, the business trip got canceled because the training got canceled and the person A Christian friend of mine that was watching the kids said Shane, go away. This person had already kind of the person I thought I had feelings for. It already told me they weren't interested and I was really conflicted in my heart. I'm like you, god. You told me this, you did this. I don't understand, like what is going on? And so my friend said go, you haven't had a moment since Kaylee died. Go, like, take some moments and breathe. And so I prayed for six days. 

52:04
I stayed in two different places up in the mountain, I walked, I prayed, I ate, I prayed, I hyped, I prayed. I called my therapist, which is a great woman, christian conservative, like, really like this person. So I can speak from my faith and belief to this person and it doesn't cause a boundary, and she gave me some advice and said it sounded like I was really working through this well and I prayed. I woke up in the middle of night, drenched and sweat, and I just prayed every, every moment, not every moment literally, but Constantly through my day, walking, hiking, sleeping, eating, sitting, watching prayer and I prayed and this really leads into what is happening right now in my life and my prayer was God, I don't understand. 

52:50
You wanted me to re-engage. I asked you to change my heart. You changed my heart immediately. You didn't skip a beat, you didn't do it gently, you didn't do it slowly or softly. You said boom. I Said now you're telling me or you're showing me that this person isn't that person. I said God, I don't want it, I don't want to go through this. I said I got kids, I got a business, I got these things and I don't have time for this. 

53:14
People don't believe in real relationships today. People believe in just taking from somebody, and I have too much to lose, I have too much loose from my kids. I said, lord, like I don't want to do this and he goes shame. I need you to understand something you have done for 31 years, everything I've asked you to do, and Thank you. But I have a different plan for you. From here forward, your life is going to be different. I'm going to put people in your life like you have never had before. You're going to have somebody there for you like you've never Experienced in your life. And it's not that my wife wasn't there for me, but you got to think. From 15 years old she had cancer the first time. At 23 and a half she had cancer again. She died 21 days after her 28th birthday. 

54:09
She was fighting my whole life, just to live another day and he goes. So I have a different plan for you. And I said, lord, I don't understand. I don't know what it's like to have people there for me. I've had some people there for me, but mostly it's been in and out of my life, not constant. I Said I don't know what that's like. I don't understand. I need your help. He goes. I need you to be still and wait. 

54:36
I said, lord, you've never had me be a person to be still and wait. You've had me move mountains for you my whole life. If you need me to be still and wait, I need your help. I need you to help teach me how to be still and wait. And I said, lord, if you're truly going to have me do this again, I have some requests. I said I need this to be somebody that can be there for me as much as I will be there for them. And God goes, I have somebody that will be there for you like you've never experienced in your whole life. And I said, lord, I also need this to be somebody that's a thief. 

55:11
I Said I Don't want to walk somebody into faith again. I'll do it if you ask it of me, but I truly need this to be somebody that's as strong as or stronger in faith than me, because my family needs this, my kids need this, I Need this. God has grown me a lot in my faith since Keely died and he goes they will. And then in April of this year, I met a woman through a court. Cancer organization Asked for permission from their head people because it was through my business. I met them, so I asked for permission and he has shown that to me and everything. This woman has impeccable faith, impeccable dedication to God and the Lord. Her father-in-law, her late husbands, dad and Mom have lost two sons, two sons of their three. And this couple looks at me and says Shane, we understand that you've never had a family, but you better accept it because we're we're going to take you and your boys and you're going to be part of our family. 

56:17 - Speaker 2 (Host)
That's incredible. 

56:19 - Speaker 1 (Host)
I don't understand, I Don't get it, but it's been really nice and and not man, his name, scott, he's in ministry works and Heather's dad is Dave and he's also in ministry works and her family is embraced me and the boys and her and laws have embraced me in the boys and Scott. I had something happen down in la junta this week. I was down there for training my. The rear end of my truck exploded and Scott drove from Woodland Park all the way Over to la junta to bring me apart. 

56:48
Oh my gosh, this is just so moving and so I'm telling you this Just to show you how God is again Taking extreme hardships and sadness, and I need you to really pay attention to this. Scott and Pam have lost two sons. Heather lost her husband, hunter Abby and Rachel lost their dad. Connor and Levi lost their mom. Connor and Levi have never had a grandma and grandpa. I've never had a family, and I want you to look at all these intricate pieces the gods brought together out of some really horrific Things and look at how he's healing so many people. 

57:34 - Speaker 2 (Host)
That's incredible. Your story is stunning, Shane. I'm at a loss for words. 

57:42 - Speaker 3 (Host)
It's moving and, shane, I'm holding back my own tears and I'm going to keep it together. I know tears are okay and it's not bad, but I'm just trying to keep it together over here. 

57:51
I'm trying to, but no it's beautiful, but your faithfulness was also responded with. The Lord's faithfulness is also so apparent in your story. Your faithfulness is just super. You know supernatural. It couldn't have happened without something bigger than yourself. But it is a beautiful story of healing and redemption, and what I loved about this part of your story is that you've always been such a protector and you've been probably putting everyone first before yourself and finally, after 32 years of having to go through hell on earth, now you have this family coming up and showing up for you. 

58:37
And that just brings a lot of emotions for me, because your faithfulness has now brought you to this place, where I think a lot of people would have backed out years ago. 

58:49 - Speaker 1 (Host)
I wish I understood why people backed out. I don't understand why they do, because that's the devil's plan. Many years ago, when Keeley relapsed, somebody asked me they go. You and Keeley are some of the best people I ever met in my life. You guys have already been through such horrific things. Can't you just be left alone and have a life? Why is God doing this to you? I really want people to pay attention to this. And God put this analogy in my head and I said look, if you walk into a completely pitch black room, what do you have to do to make that room more dark? And they go nothing, it's dark. I said exactly. If you walk into a brightly lit, beautiful room, what do you have to do to make that room more dark? They said, well, turn off the lights, break the lights, snuff them out. I said, exactly. 

59:35
So what does the devil have to do to an individual in this world that already has no faith in Jesus? To make them more hateful, to make them more angry, to make them less loving? What has he got to do? Well, he's already won. He has their soul. They don't believe in Jesus. Why does the devil need to torture those people? They're already their own torture. Devils don't got to do anything to them anymore. But what does the devil have to do to you, breanna, you, matt, you, eddie, me, to make us stop believing in God? Well, that requires a war. That requires taking our loved ones. That requires abusing us. That requires taking our children. That requires taking our jobs. That requires taking our houses. That requires taking everything. But when you have a faith in God, he's that strength. We are weak humans. We have no strength. We really don't. We are impeccably weak. We have zero control, despite our best efforts to convince ourselves otherwise. So if the devil can snuff out somebody like us, he wins something. That's a win. God didn't kill Keelie. God may have allowed things to happen, but we can't see the bigger 5,000-foot view of why that had to happen. And we need to hold fast to our faith and understand that God's got that no matter what. And if we hold fast to our faith, then we remain like a lighthouse, reflecting God's light and love to those that desperately need it. And that's what we have to do. We have to continue to be that reflection of God. 

01:01:17
And the beginning part of my biography. I write a three paragraph. Can I read the exact thing. If I can pull it up, yeah, go ahead. I think it's a really powerful moment. So I say I'd like to talk to people about what you see as strength. 

01:01:33
Most of my life I've heard that I'm a strong man for overcoming abuse, neglect, abandonment, medical issues, two cancer journeys with my wife, one that resulted in her death, and then continuing our life with two little courageous boys. 

01:01:46
As an only parent, I never felt myself to be a strong man, but a rather weak one. 

01:01:52
I rely on my faith, and my faith gives me hope and courage for a brighter tomorrow. Without my faith, I do not believe I would have had the strength to keep moving forward past my childhood adolescence two times, with Keelie being sick with cancer and now her dying, leaving me alone with two kids who at the time were 78 years old. But God promises us that if we put our faith in him, he will live through us. I truly believe the strength people see in me is God's strength, living and shining through me from him. I believe that through faith we have, we can have hope and courage to overcome anything that is laid in our path, and I believe that path is faith, hope and courage. Hebrews 11-1, now. Faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things not seen, and I truly believe that that is where we need to keep our faith. Despite any hardships or any bad things, god will use them for greatness and goodness, as we stand by and wait for his absolute and perfect timing to be fulfilled in our lives. 

01:03:01 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Shane, it's apparent how much your faith has played a role in your healing journey, or just your journey altogether, and I'm so appreciative of you sharing it. I would love, and even I know we're kind of crunched on time, but you did mention that you've been through therapy. 

01:03:17
No, no, no, this is beautiful and I'm so thankful to hear from you. I'm wondering if you could just share a little bit of how journey, how therapy either encouraged that, like, how did it just support your healing journey? Because I think that is important that God can use other tools to heal. 

01:03:38 - Speaker 1 (Host)
So I need it to be evident that God has been my primary therapist. I'll be honest with you. He has led me and held me to understand things that aren't humanly possible, and that is what has helped me break most chains. I have put myself in and out of therapy and it's crucial to find the right therapist. The wrong therapist can do more harm than good. Thankfully, in my faith, god helped me in a situation where that was the case. 

01:04:00
I had a therapist that hated men at one point, appointed to me by the VA, thank you and so everything in that was turned against me, but I got a couple of really important things out of that right, and one of those important things that helped me in my journey is I asked why don't my brother and sister remember? And she goes maybe they don't remember because you do. And that was powerful. I understood that because I took that. They didn't have to remember that. Okay, the best therapist I've had has been here in Colorado, and being able to have that as a sounding board has been really crucial to help me understand things. I'm a pretty psychologically aware person, but it's still been great about something off of them, and one incident I shared with Eddie was with my wife, right, I needed help trying to break through to things with my wife and I asked my therapist at one point will you work with us? I need help and I either need to know that this can be fixed or I need to know that I just need to accept what is. And I told my therapist I said listen, never tell me I'm right in front of my wife. You'll break her and she'll never talk. You can tell me I'm wrong in front of my wife, and that's okay, but never say I'm right. Tell me I'm right later, help me later when it's just you and me and what I want, but never say that to her. 

01:05:21
And I came in one day after one such incident. We talked and it was a case of I was right. It did not come out in the group session, but I looked at her and I go I need your help. This and this and this. She goes Shane, I need to talk to you too. I said, okay, she'll shame, there's nothing you can do. She doesn't have the time and she's too busy fighting to live. I said, okay, I need. That's all I needed to hear. I needed to hear that I just need to accept it and I can do that. I can do that and a good therapist. Isn't it just a sounding board? Although we need that. They're there to bring expertise and knowledge and guidance through your processes where you may not be able to draw those parallel lines. They can help you do that and I think it's incredibly crucial for people like me that's been through what I've been through in life to have that. 

01:06:14
I still touch base with my therapist. She tells me hey, we talk, and I ask her as a cage, do you think we should get back on a routine or do you think this? She goes no, I like your thought process. You're processing well. There's no need for me to drain your wallet. She was let's check in in a couple more months. If we need to get back on routine, I'll let you know when we will. 

01:06:32
That's a great therapist. I really admire her because it isn't just about a wage to her. It's about how do I help Shane and what does Shane truly mean? Is Shane's head in the right place or do I need to help redirect Shane's head and heart so that we can work through these things that are like a bathtub stopper in his head right now? And it's been very crucial. Even the bad therapists have gotten some good things out of them, and the great therapists they've really helped me a lot, and I think that when Shari is her name, it helps a lot that she has a faith in God and I think that if you can find somebody who has a faith in God, you'll get a lot more out of it, because then they can line up God's word with our hearts and our minds and how to direct us, how to better heal. 

01:07:16 - Speaker 2 (Host)
Amen. 

01:07:17 - Speaker 1 (Host)
I hope that answers Rihanna. 

01:07:19 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Yeah, no, I'm glad you've had good experiences and it sounds like you have a lot of writings. You have a lot of work. How can, if the listeners would like to find your work and follow you, like how can they access what you've done? 

01:07:34 - Speaker 1 (Host)
That's a little hard. Right now it's in a Google Docs drive. Some of them are on my personal Facebook. I've made my personal the ones of my Facebook is very locked down but I've made some things public. They can find them on that portion of my Facebook. My name is Shane Ammerman. It's AMM, as in Mike, mike E-R-M-A-N. You can find me on Facebook If you reach out to me through my company, hcci Professional Protective Services, it'd be more than willing to also share these writings. 

01:08:03 - Speaker 2 (Host)
Well, maybe we can get some links to them directly too. I'll do that, yeah, as well. Yeah, I'll be more than happy to Shane. Thank you, man, for coming on. Your story is unbelievable. You're like a walking talking miracle for anybody to hear it. By God's grace, and the encouragement is amazing. Thank you so much, brother. Thank you all for your time. I appreciate the opportunity.